You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
