I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
