my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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