my shit smells like andre
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
