Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
