FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
