i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
