found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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