quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
