Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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