summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He passed out mid-signature
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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