A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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