I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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