Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
