instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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