no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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