I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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