Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
