last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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