Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
