Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
