The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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