Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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