Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
