Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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