I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
