normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
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