Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize
