remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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