Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
If its not for food we ain't going out.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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