Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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