I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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