He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
