I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
