I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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