Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
