Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
