Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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