When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
