I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
