so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i need some magic done to my vagina
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
