This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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