It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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