If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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