When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
