went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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