i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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