Even the bartender felt bad for me
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize