ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm having to shit out rocks
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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