i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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