I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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