all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
