fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
