i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
