He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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