Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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