hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
